Interview By Susan L. Oberg
When voting in this year’s election, many people look at the choices given to them and think, "Well, which one would fuck it up less?" Well, we have another option. Voters of America, this time around we can elect someone who really gives a great big howdy-doody damn about this country and will WORK for it! Yes, that’s right - our favourite ass-kickin’, fried chicken lickin’ Captain Spaulding is running for President of the United States. So, get yourself educated about what the Captain would do for us!
I caught up with the Captain recently to see what he plans for our country, and he had some important things to say on America’s state of affairs…
SO: Why is Captain Spaulding running for President, and why should America vote for him?
CS: I, as I have said many times before, am the epiphany of the American spirit. I am what this country used to be all about, which means if you wanna fuck with me, you best bring all your shit. ’Cause I don’t care about no Berlin wall, no 38th Parallel, no DMZ, no drawn lines in the goddamn sand. You piss me off, I’m gonna put my boot all up in your ass. I’m runnin’ for President, ’cause somebody gotta straighten this damn thing out.
SO: What is your stand on National Defense weapons? Should we keep amassing them?
CS: The only reason that we’re amassing all these weapons that are supposed to be so damn hot-shot, and then we find out later on that they ain’t nothin’ but a piece of shit, is to keep the goddamn business goin’! The business of death is very high priority with the people of this country. The assholes that are runnin’ the whole thing are survivin’ on the deaths of your children.
SO: How would you handle the war in Iraq?
CS: Get the fuck out! We don’t belong there in the first place! Ya see, these guys don’t understand that you can’t take armed troops into somebody else’s country and force your way of life on them people! I mean, ya gotta take a look at history, dammit. What, were you absent that day?!? It didn’t work for Hitler, it didn’t work for the Kaiser, it didn’t work for Attila the Hun, and it ain’t gonna work for us! Ya can’t force people to do what they ain’t ready to do.
SO: How do we, as Americans, fight terrorism?
CS: Start killin’ the sumbitches right away. Don’t fuck around – you find somebody that’s got a bomb on them, you put it up their ass, and pull the trigger. That’ll stop it all, real quick. See, what we should do, is we should take all of our troops out of every damn country that they’re in, put ’em all around the borders of this country, and the first sumbitch tries to come in without the proper paperwork ya just shoot the bastard and it’ll stop all that shit.
SO: Gun control in America – do we need more, less, or is it "just right"?
CS: Here’s the deal – the damn crooks are the ones with the guns. The people, the law-abidin’ citizens that got guns…well, they ain’t usin’ ’em to rob banks and to hold up liquor stores. It’s them punk-ass pigs just runnin’ around shootin’ every goddamn thing in sight! It ain’t comfortable at all, for any of us, to go outside after dark.
SO: Would you raise or lower taxes? For whom? Why?
CS: Here’s the deal, folks – if we established a flat tax in this country, five percent, just five percent, and we get rid of all this corporate tax bullshit and all of this non-profit corporate tax bullshit, we would erase…erase the national debt within ten years. That’s seven trillion dollars that we make up just givin’ five percent! You make a dollar, you pay five cents. I don’t care if you’re John Q. Public, or GM, or any of the rest of them bastards – five percent of everything that’s taken in will total up that seven trillion dollars in no time at all. The reason that we don’t have that kind of flat tax is this – now you tell me, if you was a multi-billionaire takin’ advantage of all these little tax loopholes that you and the government and your lawyer can figure out, would you give any money to someone that wanted to tax your ass and make you pay your fair share? Hell no, you wouldn’t! That’s why we don’t have a flat tax, none of the rest of the reasons these assholes give!
SO: Would you make any changes in the educational system in our country?
CS: Yeah! Ban calculators from the math class! Goddammit, if you can’t figure it out with a pencil, then you don’t belong in there! These kids, they got too much help, and handy little gizmos, and little electronic things that just help ’em through life. Ya know, if everything turned to shit, they wouldn’t know how to wipe their own ass!
SO: What’s in store for the medical care system?
CS: Hahaha, man, it’s a joke! An absolute fuckin’ joke. Look, between the insurance companies and the pharmaceutical companies, they’re gonna kill us all. The reason that prescription medicine costs so damn much money is because they tell us they have to pay for the research. Well dammit, the government already gave ’em the money for the research. They got research grants comin’ out their ass and then they try to tell us, convince us, that they have to charge these exorbitant prices for medicine because they gotta pay for the research. No, man. It’s just greed. It’s greed, greed, greed, greed. The love of money is the root of all evil. Lemme tell ya somethin’ - every man woman and child in this country could have complete health care coverage if we was to institute a one percent tax from their source of income, whatever that might be, to be put in a health care package that would become active two years after it was initiated. That includes everybody from the day worker to the fat-ass corporate big wigs. That would start the program with billions of dollars before we ever had to use it! It’s a program that would never run outta funds. Now how come them smart asses in DC couldn’t figure that out? I’ll tell ya why...They don’t want to! The HMOs and pharmaceutical companies won’t let ’em. Hell no, they won’t! Then they’d have to cut back on their life style. We wouldn’t want that, now would we? Ohhh, no. Fuck ’em is what I say. They had it too good for too long.
SO: Let’s hit upon a very sensitive issue – abortion. Choice or life?
CS: Ya know, there’s a whole lotta people in this country that shouldn’t even be allowed to have kids. They just spit ’em out like they’re discarded sunflower seed shells. Just spittin’ ’em out, and spittin’ ’em out, and spittin’ ’em out. And who pays for it? Everybody else who’s a responsible sumbitch is paying for everybody that’s runnin’ around fuckin’ one another! The hell with that shit! There’s somethin’ else – I already mentioned the no-neck booger-eaters that shouldn’t even be allowed to have kids – but, there’s certain times and certain places where a woman should have the right to decide what’s gonna happen to her body. If she got involved in some kind of date rape, or any rape in itself, or just made a mistake. People make mistakes, and ain’t no reason in the world you should have to live with that for the rest of your life. There’s babies havin’ babies out there and that’s a real problem. We gotta address that. We gotta let people know it’s ok to admit ya made a mistake, stop things before they get too far. Once ya go past a certain point, whatever the hell trimester that is – whatever the hell a trimester is – then the stop sign ain’t out. But when that stop sign’s out, you should be allowed to do somethin’ about it. That’s the way I feel. I just think a woman’s got a right to have a say-so over what she does with her own body.
SO: The Penal system, both adult and juvenile – what are your plans for that, if any?
CS: Look, we been lockin’ people up behind bars for years, and years, and years, and it ain’t done no damn good. Now, I’m not sayin’ we should just turn ’em all loose on the street, that’d be stupid. But we have absolutely no way of rehabilitatin’ anybody. All we do is run ’em in there with the psychologists, and dope their ass up so [the system] can control ’em, so they can manage ’em. Ya know, if the future of this country lies in our youth, then we are in big ass trouble! ’Cause the kids that get in trouble just get doped up by the system so they can get managed, and the kids that are white middle-class hoity-toity little bastards runnin’ around with ADD, and HAD and ABC, and XYZ get the goddamn Ritalin and every other fuckin’ thing they can pump in ’em so that they can manage ’em. Well, ya know what? These people are gonna grow up bein’ a bunch of dopehead sumbitches!
SO: What would you do to improve our current unpopularity in International Relations?
CS: Get out! Don’t bother with it. Ya know, we used to be an isolationist country until Woodrow Wilson stuck his nose in it. The attitude in this country was – if we can’t grow it, or we can’t make it, then we don’t need it. Now, we’re runnin’ to every damn country in the world. We’re all over the damn place. We’re givin’ tax breaks to big corporations because they’re supposed to keep the wheels of the country movin’. Well, they ain’t movin’ shit! What they’re doin’ is they’re takin’ that money that they’re makin’ from the tax relief and takin’ it all overseas and hirin’ a bunch of sumbitches over there and takin’ jobs away from Americans. Dammit, that’s gonna stop, right now!
SO: What do you feel are the problems with the three branches of our Government? What would you do about them?
CS: Ya know, it’s really a shame – we have gone so far off center from where we started it’s a shame. It’s a cryin’ shame. I mean, you got Presidents that are out there blackmailing states to do what it is that they want. I got a memory. I remember history. I remember that Ronald Reagan bribed…no blackmailed, all the states in this country to establish a fifty-five mile an hour speed limit. He said if you want government funds for your roads, then you will institute a fifty-five mile an hour speed limit. Ya ever try to drive across Texas at fifty-five miles an hour? Your ass will be collectin’ Social Security before you get to the other end! And that’s only the Executive branch…
Oh yeah, now we’re getting’ to the Legislative branch of the government! Haha! Ya see, somebody gotta educate these guys. Here we go again – ain’t nobody ever read the Constitution, I don’t think, that’s in Washington right now. Because the preamble to the Constitution says, "We the People of the United States of America, in order to form a more perfect union…". It don’t say, "We the Congress…", ok?!? We, the people, are the ones that are supposed to be runnin’ this country. The duty of a Congressman is to quickly, legally, ethically, implement the will of the people. Now, when the hell was the last time that ever happened? Jesus, nobody can remember that! They do what the hell big business wants ’em to do. Tells ’em to do. Gives ’em money to do. Gives ’em little perks to do. That stops. That stops now. Goddammit, if you can’t do what we the people ask you to do then clear out your damn desk and we’ll find somebody that can do it. And we ain’t gonna wait four years to get another "lesser of two evils" damn thing. No no no, huh-uh! You get your ass out now. Which brings me to…the election system. That’s in sad shape, real sad shape. See, there oughtta be another space on the ballot that says "None of the above". That’s what we need in that voting booth. We just gotta tell Congress, we gotta remind ’em, that they work for us. We don’t work for them. Somethin’ else about Congress really disturbs my ass – there’s actually jerks in Washington D.C. that are tryin’ to rewrite the Constitution. These guys are tryin’ to pass some kind of bill that’ll let foreign-born people become President of the United States. I got all the respect in the world for Arnold Schwarzenegger, but goddammit, he ain’t gonna be MY President! ’Cause he wasn’t born here. If you make that thing happen, if none of you go to the polls and stop it from happenin’, then you might as well just throw the Constitution in the damn ocean and walk right to the nearest gravesite, and start pissin’ on the graves of everybody that gave their lives to protect that document&183; That’s what I got to tell Congress.
Now we get into the Judicial branch – DAMN! We have spent…wasted so much money through the election process. We get initiatives on the ballot. We get propositions on the ballot. We spend tons of money, pro and con, tryin’ to stop somebody from doin’ some damn thing and the people, the people, "We the People", vote. And the majority rules. And it’s pro whatever you want – pro medical marijuana for instance. I don’t care about marijuana myself, but the hell with it. They voted on it. They said that for medicinal purposes only, we can have marijuana. And then a bunch of cry-babies that lost go to the Supreme Court, to try to get some kind of Constitutional justice out of it. Dammit, those guys should be lookin’ at all these propositions before the election. Somebody’s gonna make a proposition, dammit, show it to the Supreme Court now! Don’t let’s spend all kinds of money and waste all kinds of time goin’ back and forth tryin’ to pass somethin’ that ain’t gonna pass anyway because once the Supreme Court gets a hold of it then they’re gonna throw the damn thing out and we all voted for no reason whatsoever. NO REASON WHATSOEVER! And the Supreme Court ain’t too damn smart either ’cause they ain’t looked at the Constitution themselves I don’t think. I have to remind them that in this country, the President is elected, not appointed. DAMN!
SO: Is there anything else you’d like to say about your Presidential Campaign, Captain?
CS: Yeah. Yeah, I do have somethin’ to say about it. See, people ask me if I’m afraid to talk like this. Well what are they gonna do to me? Kill me? They ain’t got the balls! What are they gonna do? Make me miserable? I’ll tell ya, I’m miserable every time I have to pay almost $4.00 for a gallon of gas. I’m miserable every time I have to pay almost the same amount for a loaf of bread. I’m miserable every time I think about a child in this country goin’ to bed hungry. Make me miserable? Shit, I’m already there. And people have asked me if I thought I could really win this election. Hell no, I can’t win it. They ain’t gonna let me win nothin’. This country is controlled by the moral majority, and the corporations, and the people that don’t want guys like me speakin’ our piece ’cause we’re tellin’ the truth. We’re tellin’ you what you need to know! Not what you wanna hear. That’s the important thing. Hell, I ain’t gonna win the damn election. But I’m gonna tell ya somethin’ – if you drag your ass to the voting booth on November second, and you write in "Captain Spaulding", I ain’t gonna win, but maybe we’ll wake some sumbitches up! And that’s the important thing. See, that’s my job – to wake people up.
So, when you’re wondering who you should cast that all-important vote for this November, cast it for truth, justice, and the REAL American way. Cast your vote for Captain Spaulding!
Thanks, Captain, for taking the time to wake this voter up.